Dear Centuries-Old Stalker of the Night,

I’ve liked this girl from afar for months now.  She’s so beautiful.  She works the counter at the local coffee shop, and every time I hand her my stamp card and our fingers touch, I get chills.  How can I work up the nerve to talk to this girl?

-Caffeinated in Canada

Dear Caffeinated,

Stalking your first victim may seem daunting at first, my child, but once you have tasted that first blood, it will be much easier.  The hunger will greatly overpower the revulsion at what you must do.  Get to know your target: her schedule, her weaknesses, and whether you will be interrupted (if you choose her to feed upon) by a boyfriend or even a hunter of creatures of the night.  When the timing is just right, you will know it in your gut.  In the dark, perhaps in an alley or even in her home, bare that pale, supple neck, and dig your fangs in.

Dear Centuries-Old Stalker of the Night,

The last few months have been the happiest of my life.  I finally met the man of my dreams, and we’ve been seeing each other every single day for lunch or just to get coffee.  He’s spent the night at my house a few times.  The problem is, I can’t stay over at his place, EVER.  He has a cat, and I’m deathly allergic.  Even kissing him goodbye on his front step gets me puffy.  What should I do?  I really like this guy, but I can’t see us going much farther with something this big stopping us.

-Sneezy in St. Cloud

Dear Sneezy,

As your new immortal life as a vampire draws out from years into decades, you will learn the best ways to avoid blessed artifacts and the like that will irritate your lifeless body.  If there is a crucifix in your feeding grounds, the sacred light of which is blinding you, it is a simple matter of turning it upside down, thus perverting the sign of Christ and easing the pain.  Likewise, the burning effects of holy water can be dispelled with a concoction I developed myself: three drops of the blood of a holy man (Catholic Priests work particularly well) applied to the affected area, followed by a generous sprinkle of grave dirt, should clear you right up.

Dear Centuries-Old Stalker of the Night,

My boss has been making some… unwanted advances on me.  Nothing outright, just little things like bumping up against my butt when I’m at the copier or just being creepy and watching me from his office.  If I bring it up to him, I might get fired, but it’s gotten to the point where I get serious anxiety whenever he walks by.  What should I do?

-Mistreated in Marshall

Dear Mistreated,

There are many who will see the glorious unholy abomination that you are, and seek to abolish it.  But you are strong.  You will walk the earth long after their bones turn to dust.  When these hunters come after you with their wooden stakes, just remember to go with your instincts.  Human wrists will break with the lightest amount of force if applied correctly.  Use the darkness to your advantage.  But never, ever feed on one who is hunting you, as their blood is too filthy for your consumption.  And remember… have a wonderful Halloween!

Count Dracula is a bloodsucking vampire who has killed hundreds of innocent victims over the years and drained their bodies to husks. He is a nationally-renowned advice columnist.  His feature, Ask a Centuries-Old Night Stalker, appears in more than 100 newspapers across the nation.