Hello, my name is Jason Redrum. Yes, THAT Jason Redrum that was just arrested for murdering my annoying coworker, Bob Crumb, in cold blood.

In my defense, the dude kept posting that trash bird meme to my Facebook wall. Don’t act like you wouldn’t have done the same.

Anyway, everyone is saying I should rot in jail because of the stabbing. And there’s no denying I did it – the security tape, the DNA analysis, the fact that the police found me with hands covered in blood; all the evidence makes it abundantly clear that I am indeed guilty of Bob’s death.

It’s clear why so many people are calling for my incarceration. But, I disagree with them. And you know why? Because all news outlets reporting on the murder are FAKE NEWS!

I’d like to again say that, sure, yes, I did kill another human being, which is most definitely against the law in every country on the planet. But by systematically discrediting all media that is criticizing my horrible deeds, I can avoid the fact that I’m guilty and avoid any consequences.

CNN and The New York Times reported on my crime. FAKE NEWS!

MSNBC, ABC, NBC and even the local newspaper The Spur all tried to act like they had something real to say about my crime. Which, I mean, when they described in detail exactly how I stabbed Bob, that was all true, I guess. But still, I don’t like those sources.

I’m going to try to discredit them as well. Weak! FAKE NEWS!

So far we’ve covered all the news sources that have political slants, which obviously means they’re fake news. But then NPR, BBC and even the CBC tried to report on my heinous crime. News sources funded by taxpayers sometimes report against my beliefs so they are – you guessed it – FAKE NEWS!

And there you have it. If someone ever tries to prove something you don’t like based on those pesky facts, just undermine the credibility of their sources. It doesn’t matter whether the source’s information is accurate or not. All you have to do is say the magical words – FAKE NE-  Wait, what do you mean Fox News just reported on my crime? If I dismiss the entirety of Fox’s credibility, does that mean there’s a chance global climate change is real?

Shit.

Well it’s either this or jail, so it looks like we’re rapidly losing polar ice at an unprecedented rate. FAAAAAKE NEWS!