In a flat-out shocking turn of events Friday, Feb. 5, American Journalism Review, Society of Professional Journalists, The Poynter Institute for Media Studies, The Associated Press and Reporters Committee for Freedom of the Press came together in a conference and unanimously declared that objectivity in news pieces were “stupid” and “biased.” 

The panel also requested that all media outlets currently running well thought-out, independent pieces of journalism cease their “misleading” and “terrible” productions immediately.

“This is the proud state of journalism today,” Marty Wright, a representative for the Society of Professional Journalists said after the conference.

“When you look at any field of work, it evolves over time. We decided today that journalism is a field that needs to catch up with the times and evolve like so many other professions. Objectivity, lack of bias, reporting the facts correctly… That’s all a thing of the past.”

Noting and already adapting to Wright’s suggestions, several journalists wrote down a myriad of incorrect quotes, ranging from, “Those are all things from April, 1942,” to “That’s all a thing of the blast,” and “These are all things of the past, you won’t believe what’s coming next.”

Sam Monroe of the Reporters Committee for Freedom of the Press had a few other suggestions for journalists.

“First, if you don’t have a political affiliation at your news outlet, get one now,” Monroe noted to a crowd of journalists. “None of that moderate junk, you have to be directly funded by the Koch brothers themselves or, on the other end of the spectrum, an openly communist publication.”

Monroe later addressed choosing the correct diction for titles of articles.

“Okay, here is the most important rule to writing a good hook for your news piece, and I can’t stress this enough,” Monroe said.

“Clickbait. It has to be clickbait, or you won’t get any views. ‘You won’t believe what happens next’ ‘this gave me chills’ and ‘entry number five is insane’ are all great starters. Follow up by making sure you have no real content in your article and that the reader feels scammed of their time.”

One biased and unreasonable audience member got up and began to leave, and Monroe found a perfect spot to demonstrate the amazing concepts that he had been teaching in action.

“You won’t even BELIEVE my next tip!” Monroe shouted as the audience member was walking out the door. The attendees of the conference were flabbergasted as the man who had previously been planning to leave turned around and sat back in his chair, ecstatic to hear the next amazing thing Monroe and the journalism panel had decided on.

“Next, always use inflammatory language. If your political views don’t match with it, it’s stupid, ridiculous, laughable, sexist, a farce, anything like that,” Monroe said. “Anyone disagreeing with you is writing a hit piece. Always make it a ‘them versus us’ type of issue.”

Jeffery Harabe, President of The Journalistic Integrity Foundation came forward to end the night, giving an inspirational speech.

“Our old goals were to seek the truth and report it,” Harabe said, smiling to the newly enlightened journalists gathered around him. “But that is the ideal of the past. And us, we wonderful journalists, are now working in an evolved profession. If you learned nothing else tonight, just remember our new goal: Go out, find the most convenient thing for your narrative, and use some clickbait to get suckers to read it!”