It is Ronald Reagan who is most famous for supporting ‘trickle-down’ economics as the brilliant idea that it so clearly has become. This theory—more like an Economic Law, now that you think about it—states that rather than spending government revenue on ineffective programs, we should instead cut taxes, especially for the wealthiest among us. Instead of giving some poor guy a couple extra bucks to buy a bottle of booze, we give the rich the luxury of opening a liquor store instead, creating jobs and stimulating the economy.

Some naysayers out there—namely those spineless Democrats—point to the fact that this wealth has not, in fact, trickled down.  They point out that the gap between the wealthy and poor is simply widening from allowing the rich to maintain more of their deserved and hard-earned money. Meanwhile, every brilliant Republican legislator sits back with a sly smile and ignores the well-reasoned but misguided critiques of Reaganomics.

Today marks the beginning of this long-winded plan, as the first trickle begins. What those short-sighted liberals failed to see is that we had to put a majority of the country’s wealth into the hands of the rich and powerful. Think of it as filling up a dam. Only when the water reaches the very top is some able to trickle over. That’s how dams work, after all.

Prepare yourselves for the oncoming storm. For soon, the dam will break, and all that prosperity will be distributed to the feeble and infirm downstream. Like a Biblical flood, the money will drain from offshore tax havens right into the wallets of your average Joe, just as it was always meant to. Then will you see that your logical arguments against allowing the rich to hoard most of the money and resources of the planet is nothing compared to the sense of responsibility those holders have for the well-being of the poor.

In the future, you can expect great things to trickle down. Rather than having students impoverish themselves just to get a decent education, they will now have full rides provided out of the grace of the upper class. No one will want for food or shelter, as the economy will begin its journey into infinite growth. Soon there will be no more poor. Everyone will get the opportunity to be a CEO, or a movie star, or a professional athlete, or a creative accountant. Think of that wonderful moment when we show blacks, women, and minorities the luxuries that until now had been exclusively for old white men.

The process must be clear to you now. We had a choice: create a welfare state, tripping over ourselves to provide for everyone and cripple our economy in the process, or submit to the incredibly convoluted and seemingly illogical plan of giving the rich everything and trusting them to deliver. There are no other options.