In an unprecedented event that shocked the entirety of campus, SMSU Freshman William Roberts has shaved his five centimeter beard last Saturday.

The events came as a surprise to students, faculty and employees alike Sunday morning, when everyone who had ever seen Roberts before became flabbergasted upon seeing his trademark facial hair was gone.

“I can’t believe it.” Junior Ted Neilson said between tears. “The fact that Bill would do that… Without even consulting anyone. It just… It makes you think, you know? One day, his beard was there, now it’s not… How do I even know what’s real anymore?”

Neilson was not the only person devastated. Alumni Patricia Barretina expressed her loss as well. “I would see [Roberts] almost every time I passed through campus. His short but distinct beard always put a heck of a smile on my face. And now… Now it’s just gone,” she said, visibly shaken.

At press time, Roberts was looking in the mirror to make sure he did not miss any spots, and reported that this would “For sure win Susan back.”