Shawn Spaceford, the head honcho of the Comprehensive Facilities Plan (CFP), (changed from its previous name of Facilities Master Plan due to that name being too expensive, or something) announced Monday that the CFP was completed and will include every single building on the SMSU campus being torn down.

“It was the only logical decision,” Spaceford said. “At first, the plan was just to demolish the [Social Science] building, but after we looked further into the matter, we realized we could gain quite a few more benefits through a different approach.”

Earlier in November, part of the CFP was to tear down the Social Science (SS) building in order to improve SMSU’s space utilization rate to between 80 and 85 percent. This would secure more state funding for expansion projects. Once the committee for the CFP examined the matter further, however, they realized that the amount of funding increased exponentially as the space utilization rate got higher.

“We ran the numbers, and what we found was astounding,” Spaceford said. “The higher our space utilization, the higher our funding. If we have 80 to 85 percent, we get normal funding. If we have 90 percent, we got twice the funding. 95 percent, and we’re talking billions of dollars.”

Once the CFP team considered all the possibilities, they realized that 100 percent space utilization got them infinite funding from the state for construction. The committee immediately decided this was the best result.

“We looked at it and thought about how we could find a way to assign activates at various parts of the day that would get us to the 100 percent rate, but that was admittedly difficult,” Spaceford said. “Instead, we decided it was easier to just bulldoze the whole campus. With no space to use, even zero activity at SMSU would get us 100 percent efficiency. And as a school with no facilities, the state will give us as much money as we need to build new buildings. It’s the perfect solution.”

At press time, the CFP committee was trying to figure out how to deal with the fact that using their newly found infinite funding to build things would once again lower the space utilization rate. The group concluded that they can just knock down and rebuild the campus at five year intervals to maintain ridiculous amounts of funding that can then be funneled to all of SMSU’s operations.

“Sometimes, bureaucracy is a good thing,” Spaceford said while swinging a sledgehammer into the side of the student center.